Thursday, January 6, 2011

what it means to feel love....

It's almost 5 am and as I lay in bed my heart is full of gratitude for all that i have been blessed with! I hear Bryn cry out on the monitor this morning 3 am and as I go to get her out of her bed she is soaked to her chest! I pick her up to change her and she had a feeding in mind first. The scream is different than just ticked, kinda heartbroken i guess you could say. As I remove her diaper and try to get her undressed my husband stumbles in ready to assist in anyway he can, I was so grateful for him! He holds her tiny bare bottom in his hands and tries effortlessly to console her as I get clean jammies to clothe her shivering little bottom!!! He lays her down carefully all the while trying to quiet her now hard breathless cry!!! He grabs a diaper and puts it on her then picks her up while I dress her in her new dry jams!! Then he takes her to the rocking chair and feeds her the warm milk she was so desperately letting us know she needs, cause lets face it, she's withering away to nothing you know (18 pounds) and counting!!! I change her bed sheets and throw the other stuff in the washer, as I come out of the laundry room she is now done with the bottle and resting on his shoulder, tummy satisfied and feeling safe in her daddy's arms! I know that feeling of being so secure nothing else in the world matters! It is the BEST feeling in the world and I have felt that a lot this last month!
The pain I have experienced this past month with my back has added a whole new way of thinking for me! It started the 16th of Dec, when I was feeling more uncomfortable in my back than I normally do. There is always pain there but this was something more, as i layed in bed and Brian got the kids in Bed, Aunt Flo came over to show me some of the stuff we have been learning to crochet! I went to get out of bed to use the restroom and my back went into a spasm and stayed that way for a good 45 min. As i screamed and eventually my room filled with family, all the while me screaming profanities that would make you cringe if you knew that i knew such words, my dad called the ambulance to come and get me! My mom at my side kissing my wet cheeks as the breaths were getting harder and harder to take and my husband at my backside trying to find the right place to rub as I yelled and yelled than screamed and screamed and my Dad at the foot of my bed saying "Tif hold on, their coming! Their coming" " I hear the sirens, Tif their coming" Then I hear non familiar voices as the paramedics try to coax me on my back and to the stretcher as I cry out in utter ungodly pain, and I feel my dad's hand grab mine as they take me out the doors of my room to the ambulance, then all of a sudden no pain, just the sound of my dad's voice saying she's out go, go, go! That was a feeling I will never forget! I passed out but I could still hear my dad's voice and hear his breathing as they wheeled me across the rocks of my backyard and to the ambulance. Then without warning the pain was back and with a vengeance, I didn't even feel them start the IV!!! I was hyperventilating so my hands were turned in and numb and my feet were so cold! Then the warm heavy sensation in my neck as the morphine was started, but still no relief "I'm going to 4mcgs I hear her say, doors are being shut and there is still no pain relief, another 2 she say's, all the while I am thinking when in the heck am I going to feel some relief, am i ever going to!!!! Then 2 more and the edge is gone, but still horrible pain! As I get to the ER I see my husband as they wheel me to one of the side rooms, it was so good to see him, they give me 6 more mcgs and then the pain begins to lessen but the spasms won't stop! I am admitted!!!
Now it's the 17th (our 13th wedding anniversary) and I am still in a lot of pain, but now it's loopy pain, you know the kind that you know is there but you don't care! I feel this for the next 3 days, all the while going through MRI's and ultrasounds and bedpans that each time moved throws my back into a spasm! I missed our family Christmas party, Kaely's first dance recital where she is performing twice, being with my hubby on our anniversary!!!! Can this get any worse, Yep it can, and it did! but that's another post!
I feel humility and gratitude even after all the suffering and debilitating pain that I have endured this past month, and I don't use the word endured lightly. You never know what trial will be placed before you and you always think you won't be able to handle it, but it is amazing what strength and endurance the lord has instilled in all of us!!! It amazes me!!! I have felt love beyond my wildest imagination, to be on this side of the prayers and fasting being offered in my behalf, has made me grow so much, in ways I didn't even know I could grow! I am grateful for my family and for a loving husband who never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself! to My Heavenly Father who has shown me that pain is what makes us grow and with out it we can't become better loving, more compassionate spirits! Love means something more to me now than ever before, to feel love means to feel peace, even when it still hurts and days still get hard!
I leave my love with all those reading this, and hope that you feel peace in your day today!!!
Just breathe and know that with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, ANYTHING is possible, even the impossible!!!!


Cheryl said...

I am so sorry you have been through so much. I feel bad about complaining about my sciatic nerve now. I hope you are doing better now and don't have any repeats. Take care. Thinking of you.

Audrey Spence said...

Oh man I can't even begin to imagine that pain. I know my sciatic is horrible and was really bad with pregnancy but luckily I never had back problems that bad. I was so bummed you couldn't make the reunion but it was cute seeing your kids. They're so cute and just sweet. Hope things are getting better for you!

Arabeth said...

I'm so Sorry that you were in such bad pain. Your words describe it so that I could feel it and practically imagine it. It's amazing how the bad just makes the good shine brighter. I do hope you feel better and heal. Arent you grateful for a great husband and wonderful family. :)