Saturday, January 29, 2011

To my sweet friend...Darylin Farar

You keep my heart full of love for you and your sweet family! My heart also aches for the loss that you have been asked to bare as a mom, and this seems unfair to me, but I trust in our Heavenly Father and in his plan, I know he needed Dylan more than we did, but feel selfish in my mortal mind that I still want him here to be with you and give you the healing that you need! My Prayers and fasting dear friend are all I can do right now that I know will help you, maybe in a small way, but I know that our Father in heaven counts your tears and hears your heartache and knows that all will work out in the end, we just don't know what that means sometimes!!! I have found a few friends that I have shared your story with and hope that you find some kind of support from them!!! I love you Darylin and hope you know that if I could I would take this away, but for now that can't be done!!!! Though I don't know personally what it means to loose a child, My mother in law does and from her example and her testimony she has shown us that in time it will get easier to deal with although everyday she still thinks of him and misses him as do the rest of us, she has become a great inspiration to alot of people and helps others that have been chosen to bare this tragic trial!!! she has taught me a great deal and I know that you will one day do the same!!!! I love you sweet friend.....I hope you find some kind of peace in this .....with all my prayers....all my love

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Everyday this week I am trying to find different words or talks or songs that will help me, in the end, to put all together and hopefully have a talk that will help, not only me, but someone else who needs to hear the words of this topic! Gratitude! As I pray to have the spirit with me to give me inspiration and guidance as I write this talk I loved this song and what it really means, what life is REALLY all about!!! Each one of these people I'm sure felt so grateful for the person before, who helped them in some "small" way, but it made a huge impact in there life!!! I want to strive to be like this and think like this always! What a difference someone else's trial makes, in your life! But in return what a difference your trial makes in the life of someone else! Its neat to think about!!! Enjoy

Monday, January 24, 2011

Wow.....A talk on Gratitude!!!!

Brian and I just got called by our AMAZING Bishop to give a talk on Gratitude!!!! Does Heavenly Father know are Hearts or what!!!! I wish I could switch minds with Sheri Dew on sunday!!! I wonder if he knows our sneaky thoughts as well HAHAHAHAHA!!! I hope to learn a lot from this!!!! I'm Grateful for this experience!!!! Did I just say that, Me, who gets physically sick when I have to speak in large crowds, for some reason I"ve got quite a peace about the whole thing!!! Hope it lasts, so you'll find out Monday if it was a success or if they wheeled me out on a stretcher!!!!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Put the kids down and kick your feet up....

I have been listening A LOT to inspirational messages from Prophets and apostles and motivational speakers, so that I might keep the spirit ever present in my "mothering" day!!! I love this talk by Sheri Dew and If you don't want to read it all I think you might be able to get it on You Tube as well!!! I have this CD in my car and while I am going to and fro I love to hear the messages from this most inspiring women! EVERY TIME I get something new out it!!! I"ve heard it a thousand times and it never fails!!!! I hope you all feel the comfort and peace that I feel as I listen to these words and contemplate what is in it for me!!!! Listen with an open mind and peaceful heart!!!! But what ever you do.....grab some bon bon's and kick your feet up and enjoy this little message!!!
Hugs and Kisses

This is awesome!!!!!

I found this at an amazing site that I love, thanks Lyndsey for this.... it is so so true!!!!!! Check out her site it's adorable!!!!

Friday, January 7, 2011

This Christmas..........I gave it my all

I don't recommend being put in the hospital just before Christmas. I also don't recommend not doing your Christmas shopping until the week before Christmas either, but at this point it is what it is!!!
Christmas this year was not at all what I had wanted it to be by any means, it was filled with stress, pain, tons and tons of pain, and it was filled with heartache beyond measure! The "Christmas spirit" skipped over our house, not for the kids, they felt it busting at the seams, but for Brian and I we knew this was a Christmas we wanted to go away, and fast! After 4 days in the hospital and the endless pumping of Morphine and Valium through my veins every 6 hours, your body becomes accustomed to having it and treating it as though it was the blood flowing through it like an old friend! Well we know how we get when we lose a dear friend, one that has been there for us through horrendous pain and suffering, we long for them to be near us and it hurts our very soul to see them leave, well this is what my body did, it longed for that "old friend"

Brian and I faked it, and put on a show that would have won us the next Emmy award. I getting best actress of the year and he getting best supporting actor of the year! Yep that was us faking and acting all day and into the next week till the Utah reunion was approaching us! I didn't know how I was going to detox my "old friend" and stay a pleasant mom and person on this long trip. I was worried that I would end up scaring my children and my whole family, including the Bennion side, whom I haven't seen in three years!! This was going to not be pretty, and I knew it!!! That became a worry I was not going to be able to cope with, or deal with. I fell into the snare of this "old friend" and I couldn't get out, not to save my life! I knew I had a family that loved me and kids that lived in my house and a husband who would pick me up off the shower floor after a few minutes of me in visioning the water being the morphine and Valium soaking into my body and taking the pain away, which now wasn't even all back pain, it was burning veins, body spasms and cramps, headaches and vomiting that would throw even the most healthy back out! He'd just lay a diet coke on the floor of the shower and I would take sips ever now and then and then he would pick me up dry me off, and bless his heart what to do with this head of hair is even a mystery to me when I get out of the shower, now looking back it was quite comical to see this all go down, he tried he really did!
after him keeping me out of view of our children for as long as he could at least while the detox was starting it was time to go to the reunion, and I was so looking forward to this for months and I knew it wasn't going to happen, but at the time I couldn't even make a decision on my own as to which foot to put before the other and all I wanted to do was get to "that building" where everyone was wearing white and the minute they touched you, your pain disappeared!
My wonderful in laws and Brian has a little pow wow and decided instead of put the kids through total hell here, why not take the three oldest with them to Salt lake city for the reunion and we'd keep the baby and have my mom and dad and Flo take care of her and me and Brian!!! Boy was that a blessing in disguise, cause come to find out the big job we got for next year didn't get all the info they needed and we were in jeopardy of having it yanked out from under us!!!! Really, when it rains it pours, so I stayed at my mom and dad's most the time the kids were gone and my mom and dad delt with a phys co detoxing daughter and sweet grand baby while Brian Juggled my trial and his!!!! It amazes me how even when harsh words are said to you by someone you love very much you stick it out and continue to show them service and love and just push all those words out of your head the minute they leave their mouth!!! Brian was my biggest enemy at the beginning of the detox in my mind, the words I said to him would have probably left any man wondering what his worth was and the greatest support system at the end! He stayed by my side and attended to my every whacked out need, including putting me in the car at 1 am when he wakes up to me leaving the house going to find this "building" where these "magical" people were to take away ALL my pain, but I needed to go kiss all my babies first and say good bye until I was all better, yeah that's just some of the physco ness that went on around here during the Christmas break!
But you know what, everyday I suffered I got a smile from my sweet baby and a picture from my kids in Utah loving all the snow and family that showed them unconditional love and supported their every need, while I was being shown unconditional love and being supported by family tending to my every need! How does that work out, Heavenly Father knew my needs but also the needs of my children and husband and knew just the right way to take care of it all. These people were his tools and their prayers and numerous blessings and fasting is what pulled us all through that twister of a storm. and through this life that we are riding like a train. We make it through the derailments and tracks ending, but we find out how to build more track and use the equipment given to lift you up and put you back on track"!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

what it means to feel love....

It's almost 5 am and as I lay in bed my heart is full of gratitude for all that i have been blessed with! I hear Bryn cry out on the monitor this morning 3 am and as I go to get her out of her bed she is soaked to her chest! I pick her up to change her and she had a feeding in mind first. The scream is different than just ticked, kinda heartbroken i guess you could say. As I remove her diaper and try to get her undressed my husband stumbles in ready to assist in anyway he can, I was so grateful for him! He holds her tiny bare bottom in his hands and tries effortlessly to console her as I get clean jammies to clothe her shivering little bottom!!! He lays her down carefully all the while trying to quiet her now hard breathless cry!!! He grabs a diaper and puts it on her then picks her up while I dress her in her new dry jams!! Then he takes her to the rocking chair and feeds her the warm milk she was so desperately letting us know she needs, cause lets face it, she's withering away to nothing you know (18 pounds) and counting!!! I change her bed sheets and throw the other stuff in the washer, as I come out of the laundry room she is now done with the bottle and resting on his shoulder, tummy satisfied and feeling safe in her daddy's arms! I know that feeling of being so secure nothing else in the world matters! It is the BEST feeling in the world and I have felt that a lot this last month!
The pain I have experienced this past month with my back has added a whole new way of thinking for me! It started the 16th of Dec, when I was feeling more uncomfortable in my back than I normally do. There is always pain there but this was something more, as i layed in bed and Brian got the kids in Bed, Aunt Flo came over to show me some of the stuff we have been learning to crochet! I went to get out of bed to use the restroom and my back went into a spasm and stayed that way for a good 45 min. As i screamed and eventually my room filled with family, all the while me screaming profanities that would make you cringe if you knew that i knew such words, my dad called the ambulance to come and get me! My mom at my side kissing my wet cheeks as the breaths were getting harder and harder to take and my husband at my backside trying to find the right place to rub as I yelled and yelled than screamed and screamed and my Dad at the foot of my bed saying "Tif hold on, their coming! Their coming" " I hear the sirens, Tif their coming" Then I hear non familiar voices as the paramedics try to coax me on my back and to the stretcher as I cry out in utter ungodly pain, and I feel my dad's hand grab mine as they take me out the doors of my room to the ambulance, then all of a sudden no pain, just the sound of my dad's voice saying she's out go, go, go! That was a feeling I will never forget! I passed out but I could still hear my dad's voice and hear his breathing as they wheeled me across the rocks of my backyard and to the ambulance. Then without warning the pain was back and with a vengeance, I didn't even feel them start the IV!!! I was hyperventilating so my hands were turned in and numb and my feet were so cold! Then the warm heavy sensation in my neck as the morphine was started, but still no relief "I'm going to 4mcgs I hear her say, doors are being shut and there is still no pain relief, another 2 she say's, all the while I am thinking when in the heck am I going to feel some relief, am i ever going to!!!! Then 2 more and the edge is gone, but still horrible pain! As I get to the ER I see my husband as they wheel me to one of the side rooms, it was so good to see him, they give me 6 more mcgs and then the pain begins to lessen but the spasms won't stop! I am admitted!!!
Now it's the 17th (our 13th wedding anniversary) and I am still in a lot of pain, but now it's loopy pain, you know the kind that you know is there but you don't care! I feel this for the next 3 days, all the while going through MRI's and ultrasounds and bedpans that each time moved throws my back into a spasm! I missed our family Christmas party, Kaely's first dance recital where she is performing twice, being with my hubby on our anniversary!!!! Can this get any worse, Yep it can, and it did! but that's another post!
I feel humility and gratitude even after all the suffering and debilitating pain that I have endured this past month, and I don't use the word endured lightly. You never know what trial will be placed before you and you always think you won't be able to handle it, but it is amazing what strength and endurance the lord has instilled in all of us!!! It amazes me!!! I have felt love beyond my wildest imagination, to be on this side of the prayers and fasting being offered in my behalf, has made me grow so much, in ways I didn't even know I could grow! I am grateful for my family and for a loving husband who never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself! to My Heavenly Father who has shown me that pain is what makes us grow and with out it we can't become better loving, more compassionate spirits! Love means something more to me now than ever before, to feel love means to feel peace, even when it still hurts and days still get hard!
I leave my love with all those reading this, and hope that you feel peace in your day today!!!
Just breathe and know that with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, ANYTHING is possible, even the impossible!!!!