Friday, January 7, 2011

This Christmas..........I gave it my all

I don't recommend being put in the hospital just before Christmas. I also don't recommend not doing your Christmas shopping until the week before Christmas either, but at this point it is what it is!!!
Christmas this year was not at all what I had wanted it to be by any means, it was filled with stress, pain, tons and tons of pain, and it was filled with heartache beyond measure! The "Christmas spirit" skipped over our house, not for the kids, they felt it busting at the seams, but for Brian and I we knew this was a Christmas we wanted to go away, and fast! After 4 days in the hospital and the endless pumping of Morphine and Valium through my veins every 6 hours, your body becomes accustomed to having it and treating it as though it was the blood flowing through it like an old friend! Well we know how we get when we lose a dear friend, one that has been there for us through horrendous pain and suffering, we long for them to be near us and it hurts our very soul to see them leave, well this is what my body did, it longed for that "old friend"

Brian and I faked it, and put on a show that would have won us the next Emmy award. I getting best actress of the year and he getting best supporting actor of the year! Yep that was us faking and acting all day and into the next week till the Utah reunion was approaching us! I didn't know how I was going to detox my "old friend" and stay a pleasant mom and person on this long trip. I was worried that I would end up scaring my children and my whole family, including the Bennion side, whom I haven't seen in three years!! This was going to not be pretty, and I knew it!!! That became a worry I was not going to be able to cope with, or deal with. I fell into the snare of this "old friend" and I couldn't get out, not to save my life! I knew I had a family that loved me and kids that lived in my house and a husband who would pick me up off the shower floor after a few minutes of me in visioning the water being the morphine and Valium soaking into my body and taking the pain away, which now wasn't even all back pain, it was burning veins, body spasms and cramps, headaches and vomiting that would throw even the most healthy back out! He'd just lay a diet coke on the floor of the shower and I would take sips ever now and then and then he would pick me up dry me off, and bless his heart what to do with this head of hair is even a mystery to me when I get out of the shower, now looking back it was quite comical to see this all go down, he tried he really did!
after him keeping me out of view of our children for as long as he could at least while the detox was starting it was time to go to the reunion, and I was so looking forward to this for months and I knew it wasn't going to happen, but at the time I couldn't even make a decision on my own as to which foot to put before the other and all I wanted to do was get to "that building" where everyone was wearing white and the minute they touched you, your pain disappeared!
My wonderful in laws and Brian has a little pow wow and decided instead of put the kids through total hell here, why not take the three oldest with them to Salt lake city for the reunion and we'd keep the baby and have my mom and dad and Flo take care of her and me and Brian!!! Boy was that a blessing in disguise, cause come to find out the big job we got for next year didn't get all the info they needed and we were in jeopardy of having it yanked out from under us!!!! Really, when it rains it pours, so I stayed at my mom and dad's most the time the kids were gone and my mom and dad delt with a phys co detoxing daughter and sweet grand baby while Brian Juggled my trial and his!!!! It amazes me how even when harsh words are said to you by someone you love very much you stick it out and continue to show them service and love and just push all those words out of your head the minute they leave their mouth!!! Brian was my biggest enemy at the beginning of the detox in my mind, the words I said to him would have probably left any man wondering what his worth was and the greatest support system at the end! He stayed by my side and attended to my every whacked out need, including putting me in the car at 1 am when he wakes up to me leaving the house going to find this "building" where these "magical" people were to take away ALL my pain, but I needed to go kiss all my babies first and say good bye until I was all better, yeah that's just some of the physco ness that went on around here during the Christmas break!
But you know what, everyday I suffered I got a smile from my sweet baby and a picture from my kids in Utah loving all the snow and family that showed them unconditional love and supported their every need, while I was being shown unconditional love and being supported by family tending to my every need! How does that work out, Heavenly Father knew my needs but also the needs of my children and husband and knew just the right way to take care of it all. These people were his tools and their prayers and numerous blessings and fasting is what pulled us all through that twister of a storm. and through this life that we are riding like a train. We make it through the derailments and tracks ending, but we find out how to build more track and use the equipment given to lift you up and put you back on track"!


Daze of our lives said...

Tif- I had no idea you were going through all this. I'm so sorry!! I can't even begin to imagine what it has been like and so glad we have such a wonderful family!!!
love you!

The K. family said...

I also had no idea you were going through this. I am so terribly sorry. When I was in the grips of post partum depression. It amazed me Nathan stuck with me. I often felt I didn't deserve him (or my kids) coming out the other side of that trial; I have a deeper appreciation and love for him than I would have. Brian is an amazing man and you Tif are equally as amazing. Love you- if you need anything at all.....

Stephanie DeSpain said...

You are AWESOME! I can't imagine what you have been going through! I am so glad you have such a wonderful family, I will keep you in my prayers, keep up all the hard work, I know it will get better for you!

Steph said...

Tif, I am so sorry for this trial! I had pain that no one could explain and it is so frustrating! It consumes your every thought. I even was tempted to find illegal drugs at one point because I couldn't function the pain was so bad!
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you can get fixed soon.
Love you so much!

Sue said...

Sweet Tif,
After reading these precious comments from such amazing women, I too am so totally overwhelmed with the sweet healing arms of a loving Savior. You did have a horrific ride and to watch you have to endure this, I would have gladly gone through it for you! You do have an amazing husband and children so you can always know they will be there for you. Also you have amazing in-laws for which I gratefully call them "family"! You are loved beyond measure because you would be there for any one of us!! I love you dearly!!!

Allred's said...

oh Tif...your trials are so intense sometimes and I can't believe this is what your December and early January have been like. You are such a faithful daughter of our Heavenly Father and I know that with each trial you ENDURE, you are becoming an amazing person of strength and honor that will be able to stand in our Savior's presence. Again, I am so are a strong girl. I am so happy that you and Brian found eternal happiness and can work as a team, supporting one another. We will pray so hard that your next steps in recovery go well. I love you!!

Jenny Sue said...

oh my goodness! I am so grateful for your awesome support system! How are you doing now? How is your back? You and Yours are so very much in our prayers! Hang in there, just like you always do! You are an amazing, amazing, amazing example to as all. thank you Tif for being so very strong!